Best of the Bad: Awesomely Bad Game #2

Spyro the Dragon, the other purple dinosaurʼs very first video game adventure, gets my nod for awesomely bad game for extremely poor adult responsibility. If it takes a village to raise a child, then dragon children are seriously stunted. I guess that explains why Spyro hasnʼt gotten any bigger over the last ten years.

In Spyro the Dragon, all of the adult dragons are crystalized. Spyro, the youngest and smallest of the dragons, escaped the ray that crystallized the dragon, and set out to rescue all of the other dragons encased in stone.

The problem? Spyro began saving dragons from the beginning. But instead of these older, bigger, stronger dragons deciding to take on the adventure of their own, they only give Spyro advice, and some witty banter, and run off to drink beer or smoke cigarettes. Deal with the bad guys? Nah, little baby dragon, I think you can handle it. Iʼm stronger, older, and tougher than you? I could beat the bad guy with one swing of my massive arms, but I think you should give it a go.I got better things to do. Itʼs Poker Night back at the lodge.

What the dragons in Spyro the Dragon ask Spyro to do is like asking an eight year old to go to war. Not that that ever happens in our world....

Ok, maybe the dragons arenʼt any less responsible than human beings, but still, they should set a better example than that to their youngsters. And maybe one or two of them should grow a pair of balls while theyʼre at it.

Awesomely Bad Game #1: Pokemon

The Best of the Bad:
Awesomely Bad Game #1

Pokemon



What makes Pokemon so bad? Nothing except of level of cruelty so bad it should make members of Peta shit their pants. Not only do you pit creatures against each other in horrible battles that look extremely painful (I’d like to see you take a lightning bolt to the forehead and see how much you like it) when you’re done, you put the gigantic monster into a little ball that can fit into the size of a poorly dubbed cartoon character’s hand.

And if you think after putting any kind of animal, or monster, in one of those terrible little prisons they’re going to come out and fight for you; you’re dead wrong. Especially when they’re so powerful. When I play I’m just waiting for Charizard to come out and fry my ass. It’s no less than what I deserve.

As if that weren’t enough let’s add how slow the game is. We can read Pokemon; and those kids who can’t are just skipping over the text anyway. Get a move on with it, would you? I want to hit my enemies Pokemon with another lightning bolt, and I don’t have time to sort through all of your words.

Finally, what makes Pokemon really bad is that when a monster loses a battle he “faints”. I just hit that motherfucker with three lightning bolts and fireball. He’s dead. No, he’s more than dead. He’s a fucking pile of ashes right now. He’s fried like an egg. He didn’t faint; don’t pretend like he did, let’s just call it a fatality and be done with it.

Pokemon gets my nod for awesomely bad game of the week for its cruelty to the creatures involved, the painfully slow and boring text, and the fact that monster’s faint rather than die after they’ve taken enough abuse to be killed ten times over.

But I know you’ve gotta catch ‘em all anyway. So, go ahead you sick, sadistic bastards. I hope you get what’s coming to you.